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Southern Humor

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Ways things would be different if Microsoft
  was headquartered in South Georgia

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders;

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle;

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag;

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw";

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos;

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse; 

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!";

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart;

9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt";

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++";

11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag;

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word;

13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!";

14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz";

15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am;

16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse;

17. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver;

18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire;

19. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard;

20. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator;

21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates;

22. Redman plug'n'play interface;

23. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that;

24. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager;

25. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key.";

26. The HQ building will be a double wide on cinder blocks, because MICROSOFT is hyear to stay.


 

On Moving to The South

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
 
 
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, the South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, the South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy, the South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance, the South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races, the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy".  Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.  You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that many 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits!

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites! .

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

 

Political Correctness

Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES". You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


More Tips for Northerners Moving South

  • Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
  • After five years you will still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
  • If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
  • Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
  • If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  • If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
  • Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
  • Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
  • People walk slower here.
  • Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
  • The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
  • The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  • Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
  • If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
  • Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
  • If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These might be the last words he will ever say.
  • Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
  • If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
  • Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
  • As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
  • You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.


Only a Southerner...

  • believes that everyone needs two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
  • knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
  • knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess'.
  • can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
  • knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: 'Gone to town, be back directly'
  • knows exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If it's a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
  • knows the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece'. They also know that 'just down the road' can be one mile - or twenty.
  • knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go on your way.
  • knows that tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, someone's going to lose a trailer.


Southern Girls

  • Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
    Drinking straight out of a can
    Not sending thank you notes
    Velvet after February
    White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day
  • Southern girls know the three types of school:
    Ballroom
    Ballet
    Charm
  • Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
    Dewy skin
    A winning smile
    That unforgettable Southern drawl
  • Southern girls know their manners:
    "Yes, ma'am"
    "Yes, sir"
    "Why, no, Billy!"
  • Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
    "Y'all come back!"
    "Well, bless your heart."
    "Drop by when you can."
    "How's your mother?"
    "Love your hair."
  • Southern girls know their summer weather report:
    Humidity
    Humidity
    Humidity
  • Southern girls know their three R's:
    Rich
    Richer
    Richest
  • Southern girls know their vacation spots:
    The Beach
    The Beach
    The Beach
  • Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
    Summer tans
    Wide brimmed hats
    Strapless sun dresses
  • Southern girls know everybody's first name:
    Honey
    Darlin'
    Sugah
  • Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
    Gone With the Wind
    Fried Green Tomatoes
    Driving Miss Daisy
    Steel Magnolias
  • Southern girls know their religions:
    Catholic
    Baptist
    Methodist
    Football
  • Southern girls know the seasons:
    Recruiting
    Spring Training
    Practice
    Football
    Needlework
  • Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
    Redeye gravy
    Grits
    Country ham
    Mouth watering homemade biscuits
  • Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
    Charleston
    Savannah
    New Orleans
    Birmingham
  • Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
    Men in uniform
    Men in tuxedos
    Rhett Butler, of course
  • Southern girls know their prime real estate:
    The Mall
    The Country Club
    The Beauty Salon
  • Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt:
    Slowly lower your eyelashes
    Listen carefully to everything he says
    Speak r-e-a-l slow
  • Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
    Bad hair
    Bad manners
    Bad blind dates


Flares?

A Southern gentleman had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait for help. A northerner studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied,"I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

 

Quotes and Humor

Hillbilly Hairdryer: Blow up a ballon, place near hair, squeeze to deflate.

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are forevah!

Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

A southerner is quick on the drawl

An Arkansas State Trooper pulled over a pickup on 1-40. The trooper asked "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage...along with a recipe.

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."


Y'all-bonics/English Dictionary

Not to be out done by Ebonics in California, The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools is Requesting Billions of Federal Dollars to teach Y'All-bonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Included here are some samples of Y'All-bonics. If you do not understand any of them, contact your closest Southern Bubba for an explanation...

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Atlanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through 'Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage "I thank I left my ranch in that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

DID - (adjective). Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage "Just set that bare rat 'cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.. must be from some farn country."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen.
Usage "He cain't breathe..give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU HEER - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage "Ju heer that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah..haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage "I ain't never seed New York City.. ' vew?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."



The latest plan to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban.

1) The season opened last weekend
2) There is no limit
3) They taste just like chicken
4) They don't like pickup trucks, country music or Jesus
5) Some of them are queer
6) They don't like beer or barbecue
7) They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death

It should be over in about a week.

 



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