Breaking up all the crap of the day
with a little humor keeps your head from exploding. Hope you enjoy it as much as
Ways things would be different if Microsoft
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders;
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle;
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag;
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw";
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos;
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse;
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!";
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart;
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt";
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++";
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag;
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word;
13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!";
14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz";
15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am;
16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse;
17. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver;
18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire;
19. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard;
20. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator;
21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates;
22. Redman plug'n'play interface;
23. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that;
24. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager;
25. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key.";
26. The HQ building will be a double wide on cinder blocks, because MICROSOFT is hyear to stay.
On Moving to The South
If you are from the northern states and
planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you
should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, the South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, the South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, the South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, the South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to
creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy". Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
If you hear a Southerner
exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that many 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South
and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites! .
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
Because of the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES". You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
A Southern gentleman had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait for help. A northerner studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied,"I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
Quotes and Humor
Hillbilly Hairdryer: Blow up a ballon, place near hair, squeeze to deflate.
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are forevah!
Southern girls are quick on the drawl.
A southerner is quick on the drawl
An Arkansas State Trooper pulled
over a pickup on 1-40. The trooper asked "Got any ID?"
One day, two rednecks named
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The
passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
What's the difference between a
southern zoo and a northern zoo?
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
Not to be out done by Ebonics in California, The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools is Requesting Billions of Federal Dollars to teach Y'All-bonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Included here are some samples of Y'All-bonics. If you do not understand any of them, contact your closest Southern Bubba for an explanation...
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete
sentence. Remainder of greeting.
BARD - (verb) - Past
tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Atlanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through 'Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A
THANK - (verb) -
BARE - (noun) - An
alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
IGNERT - (adjective) -
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
RANCH - (noun) - A tool
used for tight'nin' bolts.
ALL - (noun) - A
FAR - (noun) - A
TAR - (noun) - A rubber
TIRE - (noun) - A tall
RETARD - (verb) - To
DID - (adjective). Not
FAT - (noun), (verb) -
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
RATS - (noun) -
Entitled power or privilege.
CHEER - (adverb) In
FARN - (adjective) -
ARE - (noun) - A
colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen.
BOB WAR - (noun) - A
sharp, twisted cable.
JU HEER - (noun) and
HAZE - a
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VEW - contraction
(verb) and pronoun.
GUBMINT - (noun) - A
1) The season opened
It should be over in about a week.