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Vol. VI                                                       25 JUNE, 2009                                   Numb. E-lebben

A Partisan Publication
A Majority of Scoundrels


In Cohesion with other Statist

A Conclave of Illicit Mafia
Upstart Politicians
Bureaucratic Buffoons
Unruly Usurpers

A Caucus of Criminals
Common Street Thugs
Uncontrollable Unconstitutionalists

11:20 pm O’clock


Good Evening, America, from the Underground Bunker (undisclosed) deep in the heart of a secret cave in Stokum County, No Carolina.

Arlie Spitwad Dunkin

Second Cousin Three times Removed From the Thought-to-be-dead Clarence Uripidese Humdrum Was found Dead as a Door Nail at the grave of his elusive cousin.

Apparently, Spitwad, having been put up to the scheme by his granny to dig up the body of humdrum & claim the $5,000 dollars in gold for delivering Humdrum in a lifeless state of stiffness as per the offered reward was set upon by someone with like motives. From the looks of things the gunners allowed Spitwad to do the digging work exposing the corpse of Humdrum & then facilitated his own demise with an assorted collection of hot lead. Since there was no body in the formerly filled Humndrum grave, Spitwad became the new occupant satisfying the vacancy dug by his own hands. In any case there was no Humdrum in the hole & granny lost her nearest of kin & only means of support – Spitwad.

Buckshot seems to the weapon of choice in these executions; nevertheless, there appears to be a variety of air holes in his person that resembled smaller caliber shots made at close range. The Stokies County Cornier, I. N. Specter (D), who also operates the Danbury Barber Shop, The Mid-Way Funeral Parlor in Stanleyville, Lawsonville Plumbing, & whose wife, Trudy, runs the Warnut Cove Bra Shoppe cannot be located to perform the joys of Spitwad’s autopsy. Specter is thought to be trout fishing somewhere in West Virginia along the Appalachian Trail. At any rate county finances are so low that further investigation & medical examanination is useless anyhow. Spitwad is dead & no amount of probing is gonna bring him bak or solve anything.

U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn has been called on the scene to solve this hole madder & all local & state authorities are declared null & void & subject to the Marshall’s whim & udderwise unnessary. Ebber thing is in Rooster’s two hands & teeth NOW! Grits on ebber body at Fannie Mae’s Eatery!

The Marshal Has Arrived!

He will solve this case with the sole assistance of a Tennessee Ranger named Buffaloe Gunn


a Humdrum family decedent & school marm who goes by the name of Dot Humdinger

They will find Doc!

dead or alive


- The Argus Democrat - is an on-line newspaper published with sophistication, bravado, sporadically, & humorless during any given day for the purpose of distorting the news to our benefit & slammin anyone who gets in our way.  Literary bias is our motto & spin is our game – no spoof allowed – we tells hit like we wants hit to be – cuz we beeze donkee democrats & we gets our kicks & highs when we lies politically discrediting  rascally republicans, constitutionalists, & all 1776 types.

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